Motherhood...REAL Stories for Real Moms

The Scrubs are Getting Loose!

2009-01-25T00:43:00.004-05:00

Well, I had my weigh in as promised and it reveled that...I need a new scale. Yeah it's broke but I know a lost a few pounds. My scrubs (drawstring at that) have been falling off my behind lately. I've never had this problem in the past, so I'm taking it as a sign of weight loss. Perhaps just and inch, but I'll take it.

I will definitely keep you posted. Peace

Ouch!!

2009-01-08T00:49:00.011-05:00

New Year's Eve, my aunt had a party at her home. All were invited: young and old, families and singles. It was really a great time. Duane had to work but I went and took the kids. I figured DJ could sleep upstairs in his 'pack-n-play' (Thanks Graco) and Nyani could play with the other little kids until she crashed. Well, once we arrived, Nyani stuck to my leg like plastic on a summer day. She knew everyone there but was being very anti-social. I tried to encourage her to go with the other kids but she wouldn't budge. Even her cousins tried to get her to come and play but to no avail. Finally, I had to force her to stop following me so I could put DJ to sleep before midnight. She left for a minute...or so I thought. As I sat on the couch to rock my baby to sleep I heard her behind me saying, "You always love DJ" in the saddest voice I've ever heard. My heart dropped and tears came to my eyes. I looked at my sister who heard it as well. She looked at me like, "You need to handle that". So I took her to the side and told her that yes, I do love DJ but that I also love her. I explained that DJ is a baby and not a big kid like her so sometimes it may seem like he gets a lot of attention because he needs a lot of help. I also reminded her that she's my little sweet pea and I will always love her. I also reminded her that if she feels like she wants to spend time with mommy, to just tell me. (She's gotten pretty good with this. It usually results in a girls day with a movie, lunch and manicures. She loves it! We always have a ball.) I gave her a kiss and a hug and she seemed satisfied with that.

I hope she doesn't really feel like I love DJ more than her. I do love my little boy and we do have a special bond but doesn't every mom feel that way about her baby boy? Now I am constantly questioning my actions to ensure each child gets equal treatment. I hope I have not scared her for life or worse doomed her to adult therapy sessions. I can see Nyani now stretched out on a chaise lounge, crying her eyes out to some woman with a bun and glasses, telling her how her mom didn't love her. It also makes me think that DJ will end up as one of those 'mama's boys' you hear about on Jerry Springer or some other ridiculous talk show. Am I smothering him? How will I know before it's too late?

This is one of those times I wish children came with instruction manuals. We all know parenting is hard. I just pray I'm doing ok.

The Weight Issue...Doing Ok

2009-01-08T00:45:00.004-05:00

Alright ladies, be proud of me. I have actually been eating sensible meals everyday. I have also been exercising a couple days a week. The weigh in isn't until Friday but I must admit I do feel better...if nothing else. I'm proud of myself. My scrubs have begun to fall from around my waist which is interesting since they are draw string. I'll continue with my routine and keep you posted.

Totally 'Goo' Free!

2009-01-08T00:40:00.003-05:00

Well, he did it. DJ is totally 'goo' free. He doesn't even ask for it any more. Thank God!! He sleeps well without it and doesn't have anymore screaming fits. I still think he's too young to be without it but what's done is done. (My poor baby) Next, on the potty. He's telling me when he pees and poops. He even took his diaper off the other day because it was wet. So now, the potty training will begin. God please help me. This should be fun.

As always, I welcome suggestions...please!

'Goo' Free for Nearly a Week

2008-12-31T18:55:00.002-05:00

I must report that DJ is doing much better without his 'goo'. He's sleeping fine at home without it but when he's at his grandparent's house, nap time is difficult. He only asks for it once or twice a day and is satisfied to know that "it's gone because he's a big boy now". The incidents of falling out and screaming have decreased significantly. I think he's going to be okay. I was really worried about him for a minute though. I was about to crack and give it back to him. Although I still think he's too young to be without his 'goo', I think he's going to be fine without it. I'll keep you posted as he recovers.

The Weight Issue...Going Ok So Far

2008-12-31T18:26:00.005-05:00

Well, I'm actually doing it. I am eating regular meals and exercising. I'm even alternating the routines so I don't get bored. It's only been a few days but I'm already feeling better. I decided to weigh myself only twice a month. The next weigh in is next Friday. I'll let you know how that goes.

Side note:
After I wrote my last blog, Duane and I actually went out!! And better yet, it wasn't to a movie!! We had drinks at Du Claw in Fells Point. It was a late night outing so we had plenty QT to ourselves. Walking around the harbor after dark was very romantic. I definitely enjoyed our time together. I can't say that he read my blog and felt guilty because if he knows I have a blog, I doubt very seriously he'd read it. So, it must have been divine intervention. Thank you LORD!!! LOL!

Well, I'm going to eat dinner before it gets too late. Then a quick ride on the stationary bike before I'm off to the New Year's Eve party.

Happy New Year Ladies!! Be blessed.

The Weight Issue...It's Serious

2008-12-27T13:02:00.007-05:00

I've had this continuing blog for years and have only lost a few pounds which I managed to put back on (plus some). But this time, I really mean it. I have to loose weight. Why you might ask is this time different? Is it the holiday pictures of me looking like such the Fat Bastard? Or is it the constant "I feel fat" syndrome? Is it that I can't fit anything in my closet or that I am still wondering who that is staring back at me in the mirror? Surprisingly no.

I'm beginning to think that my dear sweet hubby is bothered by my extra baggage. He hasn't said anything or even insinuated it but a wife knows. I can hear every last one of you saying, "No way!! Duane is not like that." As I said before, it's nothing he said it's just my feeling. The evidence:

Exhibit 1: He never comes right up to bed when he comes home from work. I find him sleeping in front of the television with a bowl of cereal in his hands.

Exhibit 2: He's not romantic anymore.

Exhibit 3: I rearranged my work schedule so I could be off yesterday and he volunteered to work at his 2nd job.

Exhibit 4: We don't cuddle or do anything fun anymore.

I do make time for him through all the madness with work, school and everything else. But I feel like he's just not interested any more. Why? I've done everything. I've changed my hair, made sure I have time for him in my schedule and everything else. The only thing left is my size.

Even though it hurts, perhaps this is the motivation I need to loose this weight. I'll keep you posted.

Weaning DJ Off the Goo

2008-12-27T11:41:00.014-05:00

For those of you who don't know, DJ calls his pacifier a 'goo'. No one knows why. He was breastfed as an infant so he only takes the Avent pacifier since it's shaped like a nipple. He won't suck any other kind including a Nuk.

DJ's 19 months old and has to have it constantly. Duane was always taking it from him saying he didn't need it. DJ would cry, wine and reply, "I need it". I had to remind Duane that Nyani had her 'binkie' until she was almost 3 years old and he never complained. He insists 'that was different'. I didn't think it was a problem. My baby is only 19 months old, he's still a baby! Let him have his 'goo' if it makes him happy. Well, he recently started to bite holes through the 'goo'. I was so afraid he was gonna choke; so, I'd take it and give him a new one. (If we track it, I bet there was a boost in Avent stock. LOL!!) This routine continued with Duane continually telling me it was time for him to let the 'goo' go. I just ignored him. I mean who could resist this face?

I was sadly beginning to realize that my poor baby was addicted to the 'goo'. Reality struck Christmas night. He had bitten another hole through the 'goo' and wanted a new one. Well, Target wasn't open. Neither were any of the other stores that sold Avent products, so he was S.O.L. Duane and I decided this was it. No more 'goo'. DJ was screaming and crying all night. He was so loud Duane could hear him outside! I tried putting him in our bed after Duane left for work around 4:30am but that didn't work. Ladies, DJ was falling out, screaming and scratching!!! My poor baby looked like an addict. I was ready to go to an all night Walmart or something. But I had to hold on to what we said, no more 'goo'. I had to hold him tight and rock him back to sleep. He dozed off but kept waking up screaming like he was in pain or something. I was truly beginning to wonder if something else was wrong. So, I turned on the soft light and checked him out. I even took his temperature but all was normal. After we got up for the morning he was the meanest SOB you ever wanna meet. I had to explain to Nyani what was going on so that she would leave him alone. He was fighting and throwing things and being a major grump. He asked for the 'goo' a few times but I explained that he was a big boy and quickly distracted him with other activities.

It's day 2 and thank God he's has gotten better. He was able to sleep with little problems last night and he's only mentioned the 'goo' once today. He still is a bit grumpy at times but it's understandable. I hope this only lasts a week or so. That's how long it took Nyani but she wasn't any where near this bad.

I'll keep you posted on our progress. Wish me luck...

Potty Training Little Boys

2008-12-12T23:51:00.005-05:00

I think DJ is ready for the potty even though he's just 19 months old. He can tell me when he has gone "pee-pee" and "poo-poo". He even knows what the potty is, he just won't sit on it without his diaper on. He treats the potty like his own personal chair. He carries it around and sits on it to watch tv. He even uses it as a stool at times.

I figured, hey if he knows what he's doing, he can use the potty. Well...we were at home the other day and I was thinking ok, I'm gonna get him to use the potty of it kills me. Well...put flowers on my grave. I let him walk around the house without his pamper on. All was well unitl I saw him peeing in front of the tv. I grabbed him and put him on the potty and he stopped instantly. So, I figured he must be finished. I let him up and he went right back to the tv and peed!!!! I grabbed him again and put him back on the potty. He stopped mid stream...again!!! Then he asked for his pamper.

Ladies what should I do? He's too young for the "shoot the cheerios in the potty" game. He'd just eat them out of the potty. For my moms with little boys, how did you do it? I'm dying for some ideas. Please help!!!!

Sibling Rivalry

2008-11-29T11:27:00.004-05:00

Nyani - 5, DJ - 18 months yet they fuss and fight like two 10 year olds. I don't understand it. They love each other one minute then, the fighting breaks out. Nyani annoys him to death because he has to be Prince Charming to her Cinderella and he thinks she's a punching bag. I mean really. I'd expect this from them once they are older but now?! If it's this bad now, what am I going to do in a few years?

I try to explain to Nyani that he's only a baby and doesn't understand a lot of the games she wants to play. I also try to teach her to ignore him when he's being a pest but she is only 5. As for DJ, he gets a lot of hand 'taps' for fighting and redirection to other activities.

Moms, let me know how you handle sibling rivalry in your home.

DJ Loves Cheerios

2008-11-29T11:17:00.005-05:00

I thought DJ would be different. He would pretty much eat anything you'd give him. But lately, he has become overly picky. He doesn't want anything but Cheerios.

Me - "DJ what do you want for breakfast?"
DJ- "Cheeros"

Me- "DJ what do you want for lunch?"
DJ- "Cheeros"

Me- "DJ what do you want for dinner?"
DJ- "Cheeros"

Do you get the general idea? And if you're thinking "Why is she asking an 18 month old what he wants. Just give him something else." I thought of that as well but he will not eat anything else. I make him sit there figuring he'll get hungry enough and eat whatever is there but noooooo. He will sit there forever and not touch the food. Then he'll say, "I hungy. I Cheeros". The little monster.

For those of you with toddlers. I'm begging for help, tips...anything! Help!!!

Nyani's Half Way Through Her Kindergarten Year and I'm Coping

2008-11-29T10:56:00.006-05:00

You may remember the blogs from this summer about my baby starting Kindergarten and how concerned I was about her being exposed to the young heathens of the world. Well, the school year is half over and I must say she is doing pretty well. She's doing great academically and her innocence is still intact (HALLELUJAH!) although she has picked up a few bad habits. But I suppose it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

There was one incident in her after school program that had me worried. Nyani as you know is very sheltered and has never heard a curse word. Or if she has she had no idea that is was a bad word. So, when a new girl in her after school program accused her of saying "f**k" I knew the little heifer was lying on my baby. Ms. Shelly, the manager of the after school program, assured me that she had every confidence that Nyani did not say it. She knows Nyani well and has never had any problems with her. I inquired how the little girl knew that the "f-word" was a bad word if she had not heard it or used it before. Ms. Shelly agreed and decided to talk to the girls parents. I also wanted to speak with them but it was not advised. (Probably was a good idea). I was now concerned that my baby was playing with some little cursing hood rat and only God knew what she would pick up by playing with her. Ms. Shelly shared my concern (not my exact words but my general concern) and agreed to keep them separated from each other. This wasn't hard to do since Nyani had been adopted by a group of 2nd grade girls since the 1st day she came into the program. Since then, everything has been smooth sailing but I still pick her up before her group of friends leave and she is forced to play with that little...........girl.

One way I keep tabs on what she's doing in school is by volunteering in her classroom once or twice a month. I get to help her teacher while watching her in her learning environment and learning her friends. This truly helps me feel better about sending her to school every day. Whoever suggested it, thanks!

Half the year's over, another half to go. I think I'll make it. I mean, I think Nyani will be fine.

We Got A New President Yall!!!

2008-11-29T10:33:00.008-05:00

Okay, first let me apologize for the incorrect grammar BUT I'm just so excited I had to revert back to my ebonics for a quick minute.

America has elected it's first black president, Barack Obama. Wow!! I still get teary eyed just thinking about it. There is someone in the White House that looks like me and my children. My babies can grow up knowing that being black is not a set back nor an excuse. (Now before I put both feet up on the soap box let me just mention that I did not vote for Pres. Elect. Obama because he was black. I voted for him because I believe in his policies and I believe he can change this country for the better. He just happened to be black.) I am even more excited that his wife Michelle, will be a wonderful role model for the young black girls in this country. She is a beautiful, intelligent loving mother and wife who supports her husband and takes care of her family. (Yes, these women do exist.) All black women do not dream of being baby mama's and video chicks despite what the media portrays.

His victory was made even sweeter because he was elected by America. Black, white, red, yellow, brown, green, blue...whatever. Color did not matter for the first time in this country, the issues took precedence. The crowds of people that gathered to just hear him speak were enormous. The crowds reflected America. All races, sexes and ages gathered for a common good. It made me feel so good to see my country finally coming of age. I have friends all around the world and they were even sending me emails expressing how happy they were that Obama was elected. The world celebrated with us as if we were being freed from some sort of tyranny. Damn, W must really feel bad about the legacy he's leaving but oh well...you reap what you sow.

I could go on for days about My Prez but I'm going to stop there. As a mom, I feel good about the country's choice. God bless Pres. Elect. Obama and his family and God bless America.

It's Been a While

2008-11-29T10:29:00.003-05:00

I know what your gonna say, "You said you were gonna blog during the semester!" Well, to quote a famous 'old school' song, "If you don't know me by now, you will never, never, never know me...". LOL!!! Seriously though, school has been hell this semester. And, I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise.

So much has happened that I'm going to try to catch you up as much as possible. So here I go...

The Things Kids Say are Hilarious

2008-08-30T09:50:00.005-04:00

Children say the craziest things. Their honesty and magical way of explaining things makes for some great conversation. Nyani is no exception. Check out some of her classics.

"Can I have a snack?"
"No. Wait until your food digests."
(about 5 minutes later)
"Mommy, I think my food has digressed. Look!" (She opens her mouth like I'm supposed to see into her stomach.)

"Nyani sit your tail down!!!"
"But Mommy I don't have a tail."

(As I'm changing DJ's diaper, Nyani is laughing hysterically)
"Mommy!!! Look!!! DJ's vagina looks so funny!! What's wrong with it?!"

(I was breastfeeding DJ when I noticed Nyani had her baby doll attached to her belly button. When asked what she was doing, this was her response)
"I'm feeding the baby like DJ."

(While fixing eggs for breakfast one morning, she asked if she could help. I said no becasue I was in a hurry.)
"But Mommy, everyone needs some help sometime."
(Damn WonderPets!)

Her 1st Full Day Without Mommy & Daddy

2008-08-28T09:55:00.003-04:00

I knew the second day was gonna be the hardest...for me, anyway.

We walked into the lobby where Miss Weaver was waiting for all her "friends". Nyani wanted 3 kisses and hugs before she felt confident enough to go over with her class. On her way over she stopped and ran back to me saying, "Mommy, I know you can't stay in here with me but can you stay outside for a few minutes?" I choked back a flood of tears and somehow uttered, "Sure baby". It was really cold outside that morning and I had DJ so, I wasn't going to stay very long. Besides, she couldn't see me outside anyway. I waited, like I said I would, for a minute or so, then I walked back to my Mom's house. As soon as I sat down, I burst into tears. I couldn't help it. My Mom reassured me that Nyani would do well. And I know she will, it's just accepting the fact that she is no longer my baby. She is a big girl. For a Mom, that's a hard fact to face. You never wanna let go; even if it is just a little bit. After composing myself DJ and I went back home. My cell phone was always within reach just in case I had to come pick her up. I kept imagining that I would get a frantic call from the principal saying that Nyani could not be consoled because she missed me too much. At that point, I'd rush out to get her and start researching home schooling while rehearsing my pitch to Duane. But, that never happened. Before I knew it, it was 3:00 and I was on my way to pick her up by 3:30. DJ and I were right there waiting for her as she walked out with her class. As I walked up to her, I imagined she would run to me and hug me tight. However, to my surprise, she cried when she saw me. I must admit, I was kinda hurt. She was crying because she wanted to ride the school bus home. Can you believe that? I'm worried about her all day, couldn't wait to see her thinking that she missed me too and all she can think of is riding the school bus home!

Needless to say, she did well on her second day and her third day. I still miss her but it's getting easier and easier. When I pick her up she still complains about not being about to take the school bus. I suppose she'll never run to me arms open expressing how much she missed me. (Sigh) But I guess that's a good thing...right?

Her 1st Day of Kindergarten...Well, Sort of

2008-08-26T11:46:00.009-04:00

Well Ladies,

My baby completed her 1st day of Kindergarten yesterday. We took plenty of pics and told her how proud we were of our "Big Girl". She was very excited. I could also tell she was a little nervous although she wouldn't admit it. Here's how the day went.

I had enough foresight to ask my Mother-in-law to keep DJ the night before so we could get going without any problems. So, we didn't have to worry about the little boy and all his drama. We woke her up around 7a to get washed up and eat a good breakfast. (I was way too nauseous to eat anything.) Then, I started on her hair. She looked so cute after putting on her clothes. The skirt she picked, when we went school shopping, looked great on her. I hated it because it reminded me of an old lady pattern BUT she made it work. After taking pics at every turn, we finally got to her school and let her walk us to her classroom. We all met Miss Weaver (who seems like a great teacher). They did introductions for about 45 minutes learning about each other and Miss Weaver. I was sitting in that hard little chair (my God how the hell did we sit in those things all day? My butt was killing me.) and it felt like I was about to break down. I could feel myself hyperventilating and everything. But she looked backed at me and smiled and waved. I knew I had to keep it together. I waved back and after she turned around, the tears just fell.

After introductions with her "friends", Miss Weaver went over some important things with the parents. After which, she informed us that she would be taking them to the cafeteria to show them the routine and she wanted us to stay behind for 5-10 minutes. My heart started pounding. Duane must have noticed because he put his arm on shoulders and gave me a hug saying, "She'll be fine". I know my baby and I knew she wouldn't be fine. She kept looking back at us the whole time they were on the mat. Well, they left for the cafe and all the parents (teary eyed Moms and proud Dads) started checking out their classroom. After a few minutes we joined them in the cafe to find out that Nyani had a little break down because she thought we had left her for the day. She was fine once she saw us. She looked like such a big girl when I saw her sitting there on those cafe benches. The tears returned and I had to turn away from her to try to compose myself. She hadn't seen me cry all day and I was trying to keep it that way.

The day ended with me feeling emotionally drained but Nyani was happy as a clam. We went to Friendly's to celebrate the occasion and decided to start the tradition of eating out every 1st day of school.

All in all it was ok. I guess. Today I had to actually leave her for her 1st full day without Mommy and Daddy. We'll see how she does.

DJ is Gonna be a Handful

2008-08-17T19:24:00.005-04:00

My son, Duane Jr. He looks just like his Daddy with some of my Daddy thrown in because God knows how much I love my Papi. For the most part, he's a true Hawkins through and through. He has the typical Hawkins likes, dislikes and mannerisms. His attitude, however, is all Adams...Donald Adams. Yes, he has my Dad's temper just like I do. (Sigh) So, boy are we in for it. He has no problem expressing his anger. He throws things, screams and fights. (And let me tell you that little boy is freakishly strong for his size and age) We are doing our best to work on controlling his 'tude' problem. As he gets older, he's obviously gonna have to learn to manage his anger (like I did) so I foresee some type of sport or martial arts in his future...the near future. Until then, pray for us.

DJ is also very protective of Nyani. Yes, at 15 months he's her personal body guard. If he hears her crying, he will drop whatever he's doing to run and find "Ny-Ny". Then, he has to give her a hug and any toy or anything else to make her happy. Even when we yell at her, he gives us mean looks and will go to comfort her. Let me give you an example of the little body guard on duty. We were playing outside yesterday. DJ and I were walking around the house and Nyani was riding her scooter. A little boy came up on the curb and was staring at her. He looked to be around 6 years old. To me, it seemed as though he was gonna ask her to play. He was with his other friends so I think he changed his mind, fearing ridicule for playing with a girl. He just turned around and rode off with his buddies. Meanwhile, Nyani probably didn't even see him she was so self absorbed (as usual) but DJ did. He gave that poor little boy a look that said, "I know, you are not looking at my sister" and took off after him, about to go into the street! He was gonna beat up on some poor kid for staring at Nyani. Duane was tickled when I told him about it. He's happy he has some back up to keep the boys at bey.

And so it starts at 15 months, the protective younger brother. DJ is gonna be a handful...

My Babies are Growing Up

2008-08-17T18:39:00.008-04:00

I have come to the realization that my children are growing up and I don't want them to. Nyani is starting Kindergarten next Monday (sigh) and DJ is walking around and talking like he owns the place. It just seems like yesterday Duane and I were crying in the NICU because I had to leave Nyani there for an extra day while we went home. That was the hardest thing I think I ever had to do as a Mother. But she was born at 34 weeks and was so very tiny. And just look at her now...a big girl...a student.

And Mr. DJ; that little boy is into everything but the toilet and that's only because we keep all the bathroom doors closed. He's walking all over God's Creation and talking more and more now. He's growing less and less dependent on Mommy which feels like a knife in your heart. And when they actually say, "No Mommy, I do it self" you can feel the the knife being dug in deeper and turning. (Sigh) He's such a big boy now...well developmentally anyway. (Hey! both of his parents are 'vertically challenged' so what did you expect?)

A good friend reminded me that I knew what I was getting into the day Duane and I decided to have children, which is true. But even though their their growth and development is inevitable, it's not easy to accept. That same friend reminded me that parenthood is like a roller coaster ride. You got some ups and downs, twists and turns but in the end you were glad you took the ride. Well, I'm slowly climbing a big hill with my adrenaline rushing. I'm holding on to Duane's arm as I look down. I gotta be brave, so here I go, with my hands held up high.

Can't Be Satisfied

2008-08-15T00:32:00.004-04:00

Ladies you already know that I love my kiddies. And you also know that they can work my last nerve at times. I was scheduled to work to night (actually I'm working now...I am really) so I took the kids to my in-laws so I could get some rest. Neither one of them slept well last night so of course I was dead tired and couldn't wait to hit the bed for some sleep. Well, I dropped the kiddies off around 2p and was back home by 3p. I didn't have to leave for work until 10p so I had plenty of time to get the rest I so desperately needed and deserved. So why oh why couldn't I sleep? I was so excited when I got home I got my water and headed straight for the bed, setting my alarm along the way. I enjoyed the peace and quiet for about an hour then, I started missing the sound of DJ's fat little feet running around the house and Nyani rehearsing her Cinderella lines. I don't get it. I couldn't wait to get those little monsters outta the house so I could get some sleep and now that they are gone, all I could do was think about them. I can't tell you how many times I went through my cell phone looking at their pics. So, I tossed and turned and turned and tossed. I may have drifted off to sleep at some point but if I did, it didn't last long.

Ladies, do any of you have this problem or am I just difficult to satisfy because I have no idea what I want? I'm interested in your responses.

My Baby is Going to School and I'm Nauseous

2008-08-13T17:57:00.015-04:00

Well, I knew the day would come. I thought I was prepared but I am NOT AT ALL. Some of you know because I've been crying about it for the past week. Nyani is starting Kindergarten on August 25th and I'm not coping well. She's doing really well. She's very excited and happy that she's gonna have a new teacher and meet new friends. I'm the one that can't stomach this situation. Yesterday, we went up to her school to get her class assignment and supply list. Well, Missy was hopping and skipping her happy behind up to the door while I was dragging behind popping TUMS. By the time we got into the school's office I had to sit down. I had to put DJ down b/c I was in no condition to hold him. I kept asking the secretary to repeat what she said b/c I couldn't focus. I just kept thinking about how my baby is going to start school.

Duane and I have been able to keep her sheltered from all the horrors of the world up until now. My fear is that August 25th will be the beginning of the end of her innocence. You know all the things kids pick up in school. Remember the stuff you learned! OMG I'm sweating. You know we believe in being truthful in all things with our children. And so far so good, she can tell or ask us anything and I mean anything without being ashamed or afraid. But now that she's in school only God knows what those little heathens will be telling her. So, to make myself feel better and preempt any heathen theories we've been talking about everything. I've reinforced the usual topics, Good Touch/Bad Touch, Stranger Danger and introduced some new ones like Girls/Boys and Relationships and the always famous You Can Always Ask/Tell Me Anything. That still didn't help ease my nausea so I figured we'd do something that always makes me happy...shop.

I took her school shopping today thinking, "We love shopping together so this will be a fun way for me to get used to the idea". Well, it worked...until she started trying things on, then out came the TUMS. I wanted to cry so bad b/c she looked like such a big girl. She was so happy and all I kept hearing was Don Henley singing "This is the end of the innocence". What the hell is wrong with me? I was so mentally drained and nauseous we only visited 1 store (Old Navy is having a 40% off sale on kids clothes BTW). I had to get myself together. We didn't even get the school supplies. I think I'll leave that to Duane.

Ladies, you have to help me. The first day is fast approaching and I can't let her see me cry (or worse puke) as she goes to class. I really need some advice on this one Ladies. For those of you who have been through it before please leave some advice. I feel like I'm loosing my baby.

At my Wits End

2008-08-11T11:17:00.006-04:00

Well, I'm glad I enjoyed the going out with the hub last month because I don't think it'll ever happen again. I was on vacation last week which had been planned for the last 5 months or so. I was supposed to visit a dear friend in Portugal but because $$ is so tight and gas prices are so ridiculous I had to postpone my trip. Anyway, I mentioned to Duane we should do some day trips for the kids and then spend some time together just the 2 of us. Nothing extravagant just some QT. We took the kids for a picnic at a lake one day and then to Dutch Wonderland another day. I even had the opportunity to hang out with my aces (my BFFs) one night. I was really expecting Duane to ask me out on a date or say something about going out on Friday night (since our weekend was booked with other family activities) but he never did. He decided to volunteer to work Friday night at his second job. Yes, I said VOLUNTEER to work. He didn't even discuss it with me. I was so disappointed. I didn't say anything because, really, what good would it have done? Do I really have to ask you to take me out? Or not even take me out just spend some damn time with me? I was so hurt. So, I am placing that ad Ladies (see Out With the Hub at Last). And if you see me out with a fine-ass 18 year old just smile and give a sista a high-five.

He Loves Me!

2008-08-11T10:53:00.006-04:00

Let me start by saying that I love my nephew. I really do BUT he's bad as hell. And whenever he and Nyani get together, he's even worse.

I thought that it would be a great idea to take Von with us to Dutch Wonderland since my sister and her hubby have been busy with her IVF. Well...it seemed like a great idea at the time. Von slept over the night before and drove me crazy. He and Nyani fight like an old married couple. Which left my poor Baby Boy upset from all the commotion.

Needless to say Thing 1 and Thing 2 went to bed early. This left me and my Baby Boy some quiet time in Mommy's bed to play and watch Noggin. I always give him a kiss on his forehead and say "Mommy loves her Baby Boy". Well this time, he surprised me by saying, "Wub Woo". I almost fell outta the bed. I had to hear it again so I said, "Love you" and he replied "Wub Woo". I swear that made everything better. I couldn't wait to rub it in Duane's face. He is trying hard to make him a Daddy's boy. But he's mine I tell you...MINE. Sorry. I'm losing myself.

When I told Duane about it of course he tried to get DJ to say it but he wouldn't. I was so happy. I couldn't hide the huge smile on my face. My baby loves me and Mommy loves her Baby Boy.

Damn!

2008-08-01T13:37:00.005-04:00

Thought you Ladies might enjoy some non fattening eye candy. Ohhhh girls, take it all in...slowly! LOL

Why is it Different With Boys?

2008-07-27T00:17:00.007-04:00

I love my little man. He is starting to be...umm, let's just call it mischievous but he's 14 mos old, that's his job. Even at 14 mos, we try to teach him the difference between right and wrong. But sometimes I think Duane is a little hard on him. For example, the other day he threw a toy on the floor because he was angry. Ok, he does have my temper, I will admit that. So Duane tapped him on the leg (not hard. I don't want DSS at my door) like we normally do to discipline him and told him to pick it up "b/c you don't throw things when your angry". Well, DJ came running to me thinking I was gonna pat him up. Duane and I believe in team parenting so I reinforced what Daddy said, "No DJ go pick up your toy". Well, he's bullheaded like his Mama and he refused. Duane tapped him again and kept telling him to pick it up. Mean while, I'm facing the other way b/c DJ's crying a river and looking at me like "Help me Mommy". I couldn't stand it after a few minutes. I mean the boy was crying hard and it was obvious he wasn't gonna do it. Besides the kid is 14 mos old! So, I told Duane to just let it go and I picked DJ up and kissed him. Duane was pissed saying that I always pat him up. That isn't true I don't always pat him up but I couldn't let that scene continue, like I said he's only 14 mos old. And besides, Nyani has Duane wrapped tightly around her finger. He won't even hit her. Or if he does it's so soft he might as well not hit her at all. As soon as she bats those eyes, he's putty and she gets whatever she wants. So why is it wrong when my baby boy does the same to me? God knew what he was doing when he created my baby boy. He looks just like his Daddy but when he smiles, he looks like my Daddy. That saves him from many taps on the leg when he's being mischievous. All he has to do is smile and I'm picking him up and kissing those jaws. I know. He's got me wrapped around that fat little pinkie finger but hey, at least I'm woman enough to admit it. He's Mommy's little boy and will forever stay that way. (Yeah I said it. And I mean it too.)

I love my daughter too, don't get me wrong. But I think I'm harder on her than I am on DJ. I can't explain it I just am. And I think Duane is harder on DJ. I don't know. It wasn't like this with my daughter, we...I mean I had no trouble disciplining her but with DJ, it's just different. Why?

Out With The Hub At Last!!

2008-07-26T13:06:00.010-04:00

So..........

Duane and I finally went out yesterday. I was so exited at the prospect of going out with my husband and having some fun that it's all I could think about the day before. When I got off from work in the morning, I went to get a pedi and eyebrow wax so that I would look perfect for my man. My thought was that we would be out all day since it was gorgeous outside and not humid (for once). However, when I got home, the kids were still there and hadn't eaten. He hadn't called anyone about watching them while we were out or anything. I was so disappointed. I asked him what we were gonna do and he wanted to keep it a secret. Which is cool, I don't mind surprises. It was about 12p at this point. I asked when we were leaving and he said in a while. I asked if I had time to take a quick nap and he said yes. I was so excited about hanging with my man, I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was that when I woke up we were gonna go out for the whole day. Well...I woke up about 2:30p and nothing had changed. The kids were still in their jams, hadn't had lunch, no sitter. I was really getting pissed b/c it became painfully clear that we weren't getting out (if at all) until late. After seeing how pissed I was, he began calling around for a sitter. I was determined to go out anyway, with or without him. I fed my kids, hopped in the shower and started the process to becoming F L Y. I ignored him while he was scrambling to get himself and the kids together. During the time I was getting ready, I decided that I was gonna place an ad in the paper for an escort. Tell me what you think about it.

Wanted Handsome Male Escort

Must be between the ages of 18-25, fun loving, spontaneous, sense of humor and reliable. Sex not required, just companionship. Pays well. Body must look like this

What do you think? It's pretty straight forward right? I think I'll get a lot of responses. ROTFL

So anyway, we finally get to dinner around 5:45p (yeah steam is blazing from my ears at this point). The glass of wine I had with dinner relaxed me and I began to enjoy the time with my hub. Dinner was actually nice. Then off to the movies!! For my fellow X-Files fans, I highly recommend the new movie. You'll be happy with it. Although I was a little disappointed that the element of alien conspiracy was missing, I still give it 4 outta 5 stars. Next, we went to one of our old mini golf spots. It was truly fun. I got a whole in one and had a blast (although I still lost by 2. I swear I didn't see that coming) After golf, we ended the fun with some ColdStone shakes and quiet time under the stars.

All in all I guess it was worth the wait. I suppose I won't place the ad...for now. I am gonna keep it within close reach tho.

Peace

The Weight Issue...Yes, Again!!

2008-07-14T22:00:00.004-04:00

Ok Ladies,

I am committed to losing weight now more than ever. I started out doing well. Walking just about every morning around my neighborhood for about 30-45 minutes. I felt great. Then the heat and humidity set in. And I just couldn't face it. So I have been slacking. Another problem is my diet. Now before you yell or suck your teeth, let me explain. I work nights and rarely eat when I work because either I'm too busy or just don't feel like it. If I eat late at night, I feel sick, so I don't eat late at night. The problem is that when I get off, I go straight home and hit the bed. I sleep until about 2p. When I wake up I may not eat until 5p or 6p then back to work. So basically I'm only eating 1 meal a day. Not good for my metabolism. Besides, I really don't eat very much in the summertime. It's just too hot to eat. So, I have to figure out how and what to eat to solve this part of the problem. Any suggestions? Also, I will be walking it out with Leslie (Walk Away the Pounds) at least 3 times a week. It would be great to hear some encouragement to keep me going (hint, hint).

I want/need to lose 40 lbs by Christmas. Wish me luck!!!

7 Years and Still Kickin!

2008-07-11T00:32:00.005-04:00

Duane and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary on June 30th. Actually, we are still trying to celebrate it (schedule conflicts, you know). Anyways, I just wanted to give us our 'props' since now days, so many folks are divorcing before they even reach their 2 year anniversary. Don't get me wrong, these were not 7 easy years. Trust me, there have been many a day that I was ready to say 'screw this'. But I am a Christian woman/wife so I take our problems to God and pray over them. Duane and I also talk out our problems and come to an agreement about our differences. I am woman enough to admit when I am wrong and I apologize (as I should). He does the same. I know when I'm being mean and on one of my PMS hormonal rants (face it Ladies you know when you're PMSing), I just can't control it (sometimes;>) My hubby takes it all in stride. He never gets upset, he just waits for me to calm down because he knows that I will come and talk to him or apologize for my behavior. He's so understanding and I'm so predictable. My hubby is always right there next to me or holding me up if I need support. No matter what the outcome he is my cheering section. Things are good, however, the bad does outweigh the good sometimes. Most importantly though, loves outweighs it all.

Duane, you are my best friend, my husband, my love and the father of my children. I love you honey.

Being Nice or Subtle Racism?

2008-07-10T23:49:00.008-04:00

My children are beautiful. That goes without saying. My daughter is showered with compliments every time she leaves the front door. She is learning to be gracious and accept compliments with a polite "Thank you". Previously, if told she was pretty she would respond, "I know" with a narcissistic confidence that made me cringe. My son is only 13 months old so he just looks like "whatever" when people tell him he's handsome or cute. So, I respond with a "thank you " for him. Evidently it pays to be beautiful because on occasion, (more often than not) my daughter is actually given money along with compliments. I'm serious. Anything from a quarter to $1. At first I wouldn't let her take it because I mean, I thought it was just strange for people to give her money just because she was cute. Now my son is starting to get money as well. I happened to mention it to my mother and she was outraged. She claims that it's a racist gesture and I shouldn't let them accept the money. I tried to explain that it wasn't just Caucasian folk giving up the dough but people of all races. I don't really think she heard me though. She kept insisting it was a racist gesture. When I asked how she told me that back in the day Caucasian's used to give money to little black children because they assumed that they were poor and needed it. The cuter the kid, the more money they got. If they were 'clean' and 'well behaved' they were also rewarded with money. Ok, ok...that does sound racist but as I said the money is coming from people of all ethic groups not just Caucasians. Besides my mother is borderline racist. I really don't think that's the reason why little old white people give my kids money. Am I being naive? What do you think?

Life is So Precious

2008-06-27T00:15:00.007-04:00

I am so sorry to report that one of my dear friends had a miscarriage on Wednesday. She was 8 months pregnant. The news hit me like a ton of bricks. It was so unexpected and I feel so sorry for her and her husband. I would really like to talk to her but I'm sure she really doesn't want to hear from anyone right now. I just spoke to her on Tuesday because she was planning her baby shower on July 12th. Wow, life is so precious. I really don't know what to say to her when I do talk to her. I mean, I can't even imagine what she's going through. I guess the best thing to do is to let her know that I'm here for her if she wants to talk or if she needs anything. I'm praying for her and her husband. Ladies, I ask that you do the same.

I must admit, for the first time since I started this blog, I was not totally honest with you ladies when I said I can't imagine how she feels. I never told any one this (not even Duane) but I had a miscarriage in March of 2006. I had no idea I was even pregnant. I'm not even sure how far along I was. All I know is that I started cramping bad, real bad. I thought it was just my endometriosis. The pain lasted for a few days. Then, the bleeding started. It was heavy and well , the only way I can explain it is that there where 'pieces' of something in the toilet with it. I had no idea what was going on. The thought that I was having a spontaneous abortion never crossed my mind. But as the days wore on more and more 'pieces' (for lack of a better word) started to come out. I was flipping out so I called my Mom. She immediately asked me if I was pregnant because it sounded like I was having a miscarriage. I told her no, I wasn't, but she wasn't so sure. Finally I went to 'Epi' (my gyno). I was so upset at this point that I cried the whole time I was in the exam room and his office. He's such a sweet man. He just consoled me and kept hugging me and giving me other (less likely) explanations for what I was experiencing. We talked for a long while. I got my antibiotics and left. I never told Duane. I'm not sure why, we tell each other everything. I don't think he would've been angry or anything like that, I just didn't tell him. When he asked, I told him I had an infection. I just wanted to pretend the whole thing was a nightmare and never happened. I never let myself grieve because I just wanted to forget it happened. I wanted to have just had an infection and move on with my life. (Little did we know 5 months later we'd get pregnant again with DJ. God is so good!) I guess my friend's experience has given me the opportunity to confront what I have tried to forget. I can now acknowledge that yes, I did have a miscarriage. I'm not sure why it happened but I can at least admit to myself and everyone else that it did happen. Wow, typing that last sentence is bringing tears to my eyes. A real sadness has come over me.

I lost my baby.......I have no more words.

Robbing the Cradle

2008-06-22T22:04:00.008-04:00

Well Ladies,

I wasn't sure I wanted to share this thought with you but I figured why not? I share everything else.

I just turned 31 and man, I'm loving my 30's!! I have no idea why people get depressed about turning 30. I feel so liberated and competent. I don't care what other's think of me. I feel like I'm coming into my womanhood...I'm finally grown. The confidence extends into every aspect of my life, school, work, home, even the bedroom. Now, there is no trouble in the sex department but I seem to just want it more now. I have no idea why. Ok, along with that, I have been noticing how beautiful men really are. (I'm not talking their minds here) I mean the curves of their muscles and their lips, their walk and voices. Lord help me!! LOL I am a woman so enjoying eye candy shouldn't make me feel bad. I'm supposed to look. (And I only look. I do love my husband) Ok so here comes the kicker.

I never paid attention to young guys b/c quite frankly, they never interested me. Last month, I walked past Ebony magazine and Chris Brown was on the cover. I had to stop, back up and take a 2nd, 3rd and 4th look. He's like 19 or 20 (maybe) and I never noticed this kid before, but my God! His hot little body made my temperature rise. Ladies, you gotta check it out. Tell me his hot little 19 year old body isn't bangin! Damn!

If that's not bad enough, I was at my cousin's graduation party on Friday night. All her little friends were there, none of which were over 21. There was this 1 kid that was fine as hell. I think he was a freshman in college. I was keeping my cool but definitely watching his moves on the dance floor. I'm not sure if he knew I was watching but he decided to stand right next to me most of the night and it was driving me crazy!! I swear he knew he was giving me fever. My boy could certainly work it on the dance floor which just made me wonder about his talent in other areas...See what I mean. Why am I looking at young guys? I'm at least 10 years older than these kids. I mean really. I never considered myself a cradle robber.

I need someone to admit to me that they have noticed some hot young guys too. If not at least lie to me and make me feel better. Sheesh!!!

My Baby's Growing Up (Sigh)

2008-06-19T23:23:00.005-04:00

Well Ladies,

My little man has decided to start walking on his own now. For a while he was just standing around or holding on to things but now, he's striking out on his own. He's doing quite well, I might add. He's even trying to run. While I am happy that my baby is growing up I'm also very sad. If you have older kids you know that once they start walking, they rarely want you holding them anymore...unless they are sleeping. DJ is our last baby. I'll never hold another little baby in my arms again. Soon he's gonna hit me with those dreadful words, "Mommy, I do it self". The first time Nyani said it to me my heart sank. Honestly, the words physically hurt me. At that point, I knew my baby was growing up. (SIGH) I would like to have another child, a girl, but as most of you know I can't. Duane and I are planning to adopt in the future (prayerfully). But still, to know that it's over, it really hurts. When I hold him as he sleeps I wanna cry (and sometimes do) because I know these times are so precious and never last long enough. I steal all the kisses and caresses I can because once he's awake, he's gone.

So, what am I trying to say? Mom's hold on to your baby's as long as you can. Relish every moment. Never take any time with them for granted. You'll never get it back.

The Weight Issue...Yes, It's Still an Issue

2008-06-13T05:12:00.002-04:00

Ok Ladies, I've come to the conclusion that I am never gonna lose that C-Section baby belly fat. I mean, the scar just started to feel normal (no pain or numbness). So I'm looking into liposuction. Yes I said it, the 'L' word. Before you start with the comments about how it's not a good idea, consider this. It's been over a year now and I have yet to lose this belly. I've tried diets, which included, South Beach, starvation/fasting, Mediterranean, healthy eating, and cleansing. I've been exercising on a regular basis (at least 3 times a week). I've done cardio, ab training, walking and yoga. I am even on a diuretic for my little fluid issue (thanks DJ). I've lost only about 10 lbs since my pregnancy and still can't fit into my pre-pregnancy pants. I'm sick and tired of sweats and skirts. So now, tell me again, why shouldn't I try lipo? The cost is pretty reasonable now. Unless I can get at least 3 good reasons, LIPO HERE I COME!!!!!!!!

Children Are So Resilient

2008-06-13T04:20:00.007-04:00

Well Ladies,

I'm finished with school!!!! (for the semester) Thank God!!!! So, hopefully I will be blogging a bit more now. This one unfortunately, isn't a happy one. But all Moms hopefully can sympathize.

Sunday night, after going to get snowballs with the family, DJ had a febrile seizure. Now, mind you, he hadn't showed any signs of being sick. No fever or anything. I went into the room to pick him up and put him in the bath tub when I saw he was seizing. Of course I wanted to freak out but I had to step outta mommy role for a minute and be the emergent peds nurse that I am. I picked him up and placed him in the tub and wiped him down with warm water. We then rushed him to the ER. He seized for at least 5 minutes. At the hospital, it took him about an hour to fully recover. They ran blood, urine and stool tests and found nothing that would've caused his fever. After ensuring the fever had broken and giving him some antibiotics, we went home. It was 2 am and DJ was up playing and walking around like normal. Thank God right?! Well, 6:30 am he starts seizing again. Only for 30 seconds this time. He recovered a lot faster this time but we still took him the ER. They ran an EEG and did a Lumbar Puncture and still no reason for the fever. So they gave him a high dose of antibiotics and sent him home. He's on a high dose of antibiotics at home and he's fine. He's been fine since the completion of the 2nd seizure but still Mommy is worried sick. I know that febrile seizures can be a one time occurrence and also aren't related to seizure disorders but to be honest I haven't slept since it happened. I'm on constant temperature monitoring. DJ sleeps in our bed (Duane is being very patient, Thank you Lord) and I am checking to feel his skin temp every 1/2 hour or so. I jump every time I hear him move an inch and can't let him outta my sight for fear he may start seizing. I know I'm being over protective but if you've ever seen your child seizing, knowing there is nothing you can do about it, then you know how I feel. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since Saturday. I am at work for the first time this week and I'm trying to do anything to keep my mind off of DJ and the fact that I can't see him or know what or how he's doing. I plan to keep him in our bed until after he's finished his antibiotics in about a week or so. Then maybe...just maybe I'll let him go back to his own bed...maybe.

DJ is doing fine. He has no residual effects from the seizures (children are so resilient). He's moved on with his life, why can't I. He (probably) has no recollection of what happened and is doing well. Why can't I? I need some help Ladies. If anyone has been in this situation, please lend some advice!!!

Lost That Loving Feeling?

2008-05-06T18:56:00.004-04:00

I'm back Ladies,

I know, I know. I haven't been keeping my promise to blog during the semester. But in my defense, I have 2 jobs, am a nursing student, a mom with 2 kids, a wife and a housekeeper. When do I have time to collect my thoughts and actually write them out? Well, I'm taking the time now because I need some advice.

For those of you who don't know, Duane & I have been together for 17 years. It hasn't been easy but we're still here. We are coming up on our 7 year anniversary and I'm beginning to feel like he doesn't desire me anymore. Perhaps it's just my insecurities about my weight (yes, the drama continues) but it seems like he doesn't wanna spend time with me. It seems like he'd rather work (at a job he hates and is about to leave) than come home to me who's waiting for him. He said it's not true and he does still want me. I tried to explain to him, that's it not about sex, it's about intimacy. I love when I come home and he has flowers on the table or in my car waiting for me but I'd much rather have HIM at home waiting for me with a bottle of red and a movie. Is it that men don't know the difference between sex and intimacy? Or am I being totally self centered.

All I want is a little intimacy. Spend a little time with my man. Like we used to before the kids, the 2 jobs we both have, the house, school, etc. Is that unrealistic? Is it just inevitable that the love is lost after a while? I fail to believe that because I am still attracted to my husband!! I still want him. I'd also take Orlando Bloom, TI, Boris Kudjo and David Beckam but hey until they show up, I love my hubby.

So, I suppose I'll change my look and see if I get some attention that way. I'll do my best to look my best for him. Not that I don't now but obviously what I'm doing isn't working. Any other bright ideas?

The Ultimate Test of a Mother's Love

2008-02-01T17:58:00.000-05:00

I'm SICK. Not just feeling under the weather but flu-like sick (and yes, I did get my flu shot!). I'm down for the count guys. Bearly making it outta bed. Nyani is even sick with whatever I have. But thank God DJ and Duane are fine. But this means I haven't been able to hold or kiss my Little Man in days. It's killing me because I know he doesn't understand why Mommy stopped 'loving him'. All I can do is smile and blow kisses from a distance. Now I know that it is all for the best because I don't want my Sweetness to get sick. But I feel like a part of me is mising. My Mom has him today so my Little Man is not even in the house . Every time I close my eyes I see his wet, 2 tooth smile, big, bright eyes and chubby cheeks. I miss my DJ.

Ladies, any words of encouragement?

Have You Ever Felt Like This?

2008-01-23T23:46:00.000-05:00

I love my children, I really do but sometimes, I really don't feel like being Mommy. I feel kinda selfish I guess. I don't wanna take care of anyone and just do whatever I wanna do. On those days (and there aren't many) I feel like bundling up "Heckle & Jeckle" (Nyani & DJ) and calling someone to come get them. It may not even be that they are out of control, I just don't feel like being Mommy!!!

I know that sounds terrible doesn't it? Am I a bad Mom? Will get a call from DSS? Has anyone ever felt that way? Talk to me ladies, let me know that I'm not alone.

The Fall From Grace

2008-01-20T18:41:00.001-05:00

As you guys all know, I love my hubby:> In the immortal words of Tom Cruise (in Jerry McGuire) he "completes me". He's almost perfect...ALMOST.

I work the 11p-7a shift at St. Joseph's as a student nurse. I love the shift but it is hard to manage sometimes. I mean, most people are asleep while you're leaving out to work. Anyway...I try to take a nap before I leave for work. I make sure I wake up by 9:15 or so to get ready. The other day, Duane was home with the kids, downstairs. I asked him to be sure I didn't sleep past 9:30. Now, I'm not stupid, I did set my phone and regular alarm...just in case. I was sleeping really hard when I heard my 1st alarm go off. I turned it off and laid back down. The second alarm went off and ...I guess I turned it off. At any rate, I must've fallen back to sleep because when I opened my eyes, it was 9:45!!! I jumped out of bed and threw my scrubs on. When I opened the bedroom door, I noticed that the house was quiet...too quiet. I looked in DJ's room and it was empty but his closet door was open. Nyani's light was on in her room along with her computer. I expected to see her asleep on the floor (she tends to lay down and sleep wherever the feeling hits her) but again, the room was empty. I'm calling out to my husband as I run down the steps (my heart pounding) and get no answer. As I walk in the living room, I find the TV on with Nyani alseep on her couch (in her play clothes), my husband alseep on the couch with DJ alseep next to him hanging half on and half off the couch. I was so furious I could feel the steam coming out of my ears. (Let's get this straight, I was angry b/c my child was in danger while my husband was asleep. Not b/c he forgot to wake me.) I woke him up as I grabbed DJ. He must've apologized 5000 times but I was still pissed. I made sure he was fully awake before I left, then I called him twice before I got to work.

It's rare that my hubby lets me down but this was definitely one for the records. My baby hanging off the sofa...OMG. I could've choked him.

I suppose I wrote this to myself in a way. I always praise my hubby for all the good he does. I guess this is my way of acknowledging to myself that he isn't perfect. The perfect man, the love of my life, has fallen from grace. Ok, perhaps that's a bit harsh. Let's say, he just stumbled a bit. But, I still love you baby.

When Did I Get Old?

2008-01-12T12:20:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine is leaving the US and going back home to Portugal after her year long internship. (Bye, bye Maria. Gonna miss our Panera lunches. Hope to see you this summer in Portugal!) So last night she got all of her girlfriends together for a girls night out in Canton. Now, I haven't been out with the girls or to Canton in a LONG time. So needless to say, I was excited. A night out with adults and I'm not working? I'm there! I got all grown and sexy and headed out for a good time. We ended up in some bar in Canton around 10 or 10:30, it wasn't too crowded and we gotta table so we could all sit, drink and chill. Being that colleges are closed for winter break, it wasn't filled with college aged kids being loud and crazy. Or so we thought. I guess around midnight we noticed the music getting louder and more people at the bar. Ok, that's cool, it is Friday night. I finished my second amaretto sour and we continued our conversation on abortion rights and contraception. (Wow, I must be getting old. What ever happen to, "He's cute" "What about him? Isn't he fine?" ) Then by 12:30 or 1 it was so loud in there we had to squeeze together and yell to continue our rousing conversation. By 1:30 the college crowd had taken over and we were ready to go.

By the time I got home it was about 2:45 and I was wiped out! I fell into bed with my make-up still on. DJ woke up around 6:30 and I opened my eyes. To my surprise, I was a little hung over! Headache and all! I stumbled in his room and rocked him back to sleep (in his rocking chair. Trust me, I was in no condition to stand!) I stumbled back to bed and fell sleep until 11. My hubby just let me sleep. When I finally woke up, I wasn't hung over (thank God because I have to work the over night shift) and all I wanted was a cup of coffee. By the way, I did wash the make-up off this morning. In case you were wondering.

What I wanna know is when did I get old? I'm only 30, why can't I hang anymore? If I was home I wouldn't be asleep. I'd be wide awake, wishing I was out having fun. And besides, I work the over night shift so WHAT'S THE DEAL?! I am so tired I feel like I've just been beaten by an angry mob. Perhaps, this just means I need to go out more. Let's be a little more specific. Maybe I should go out at least once a month to a 25 and over lounge. I think it's safe to say I've passed the legal 'bar age'. I decided that last night as I was stepping over puke on the way to the ladies room. I do like to go dancing every now and then. So perhaps I could do a club every so often. Perhaps...reality check. I have 2 children, a job and I am a NURSING student. Hummm. Oh, well, it was a nice thought. Perhaps I should just except the fact that I'm old and pull my elastic pants up to my bra, put on my support hose, sit back and enjoy the sound of horns as I cruise at 50mph on the 65mph highway of life.

The Weight Issue...Still An Issue

2008-01-12T11:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I'm losing the battle with the bulge. But perhaps it isn't all my fault. I have discovered that I am retaining fluid for some unknown reason. I've been to my doc and she's done many, many, many tests trying to figure it out. Since I've had my son last May, I have not been able to lose the pregnancy fluid I accumulated. As you know from my previous blogs, I'm still not back in my regular clothes. (I'm so tired of sweats, stretch pants and skirts, I could puke!) I've been placed on diuretics and haven't been compliant. (The first medication I was on dropped my blood pressure and I was near fainting! Needless to say we changed it immediately.) I went to see my doc the other day and she still wants me on the meds so I guess...I have to take them. I do have to admit they will take the water weight off. I lost 4 lbs in 2 days the first time and I've been able to keep off. I just don't like taking diuretics (water pills). They mess with your body's chemistry and after that 1st fainting episode, I'm REAL cautious.

As far as diet goes, I haven't done much change. I'd like to go back to Mediterranean style but...But what? There really is no 'but'. I don't have any excuse why I can't. Laziness I guess. Ok, so that means the next blog you read should say, "I've been really sticking to my Mediterranean style diet". LMAO! If you've been following my blogs you know that ain't' even gonna happen!!

Peace,

Nikki

After a Long Hiatus...I'm Back

2008-01-11T18:29:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the long break Ladies but school got real serious real fast! But I am on winter break now. Yea!! I did well despite the stress of Coppin's Nursing Program. I got B's in both Medical Surgical Nursing and Pathophysiology/Pharmacology I. ( Go me...go me)

So now I'm just working and trying to catch up on life before I have to go back on the 28th:< My hubby is totally excited now that classes are over. Since I'm not stressed about classes ALL of my focus is on him. I must admit, he has been great. He's been like Mr. Mom this semester. He takes care of the kids so I can study and even keeps the house looking decent. Ok, lets define decent. Clothes are washed but are in the dryer or in baskets in front of our bedroom closet. Ok, at least they are clean and I know where they are. Toys are all over the entire house (watch your step). Ok, well, at least my daughter isn't running around the house screaming and crying...right? He even helps me get up (in the middle of the night) so I can study while the house is quiet. That in itself is an award winning task. I do not wake up well. But all in all my hubby is wonderful and I appreciate everything he does for me and our family. Love you baby.

So what's been going on in the world since September? Wow, I feel so lost and left out of everything. My husband and I finally went to see American Gangster the other day in the $3 movie theater. Yeah, I know...I told you I've been busy with school. Anyway, it was excellent. Action packed from the 1st scene. I highly recommend it. Now to see I Am Legend with Will Smith. I've been hearing mixed reviews but hey a movie with Will Smith showing his body can't be but so bad...right?

I am going to do my best to keep up with my blog even when school starts since it seems you guys like to read the posts. I can only guarantee posts until January 28th, after that...we'll see.

Blessings,
Nikki

The Weight Issue...Continues

2007-09-19T19:29:00.000-04:00

Well, what can I say? Now that school is in full swing, my Mediterranean diet has turned into fast food and sodas. I know, I know I should pack my lunch but I don't have access to a microwave and PB&J or lunch meat EVERY DAY is a bit much. I do have to do something though.

One good thing, summer is ending so all the ice cream and summer junk food will leave my diet.
(Let us have a moment of silence for the closing of Rita's on September 16th....................AMEN.)

My willpower is very low these days. I don't know why but I will eat something and feel bad about it all the while I'm eating it. Crazy, I know. I lost like 40 lbs on the South Beach diet after I had my daughter. I don't think I can give up my pasta now though. That was tough. Plus, I wasn't in nursing school.

Hey, all my Mommy's out there that had a baby pouch belly stand up and let me know how you sent it packing. I'm dying over here.....

My Baby is Growing Up?

2007-09-19T18:50:00.000-04:00

Well, as you know, we were unsuccessful in our last attempt to introduce DJ to solid food. We have tried once again and were a little more successful (emphasis on the little).

He's 4 1/2 months old and has made up his mind that eating from a spoon is not for him. His fingers, the bottle, your fingers? Sure! But a spoon is out of the question! We even added fruit but NO...he still resisted.

We keep trying each morning and I suppose, one day he'll get it. I really don't remember it being this hard with Nyani. Oh, well, I suppose each child is different.

We are open to any creative suggestions though...

He Didn't Even Notice

2007-09-05T20:29:00.000-04:00

My husband and I have been married for 6 years but we've been together for 15 years. So, a lot of petty things that urk other couples, we have long let pass. However, there are still some things that bother me a bit.

I try my best to look good for my hubby (as any other wifey would) but sometimes it gets a bit hard with the kids, school and work. For example, my hair is always an issue (for me only it seems). I didn't realize that I hadn't had a perm since my birthday in May. So, the other day, I finally found some time to put it in and actually do my hair. I made a big deal about it to Duane, letting him know I was gonna look like his wife again. He said I looked fine the way I was but ladies, we know the truth.

Well, I put the perm in on Monday evening. It is now Friday night and he has yet to comment on my hair. He's seen it all week and we even spent the entire day together yesterday (just the 2 of us) and nothing. Should I be bothered that he hasn't noticed or commented? Or should I be happy that my hubby loves me whether my hair is a mess or not? I feel like I should say something to trigger a compliment but in a way I feel like I shouldn't have to. I mean, I'm not angry or trying to pick a fight about it but it would be nice to know he noticed that I did my hair for him.

Perhaps, I'm making too big a deal of this. I mean, he did say that I looked good regardless. I don't know, what do you think?

We Think DJ is Teething!!!

2007-09-05T19:25:00.000-04:00

I know, I know. You're thinking, "What is she talking about?", DJ is only 4 months old!! This is true but I swear to you I'm not crazy...well...let me rephrase that, I'm not lying.

For the past couple weeks DJ has been chewing on everything. He doesn't want to suck his binkie, he just wants to bite his fingers or anything hard. And the drool...............man. I've never seen a 3 month old soak 3 bibs a day. Its unreal. I checked his gums and they look normal...so far. He goes for his 4 month Well Baby Visit in a week or so. I'll ask his pediatrician what he thinks.

It figures that he and my daughter would be total opposites. Nyani is loud, DJ is quiet. Nyani didn't get teeth until she was 2 years old, DJ may have them at 4 months...go figure.

I Have Never Hugged Them So Tightly

2007-08-27T21:33:00.001-04:00

I have to say that God truly spoke to me this morning and it saved my life. I can't begin to thank Him enough. He truly blessed me today and I plan to pass that blessing on to someone else. Why you may ask. Well, I had a very frightening experience this morning on my way to class.

I was actually on time this morning and traffic wasn't heavy so I didn't have to rush as I normally do. I had just hung up the phone with my husband (yes I do use an ear piece while I'm driving). We didn't have an argument or anything but I was getting on him about how he doesn't do somethings the way he should as far as communication goes. At any rate, I stopped at a red traffic light at an intersection that I am very familiar with. Once the light turned green I was gonna make a left turn. Well, the light turned green and something told me not to go. I don't know what it was (yes I do, it was God's saving grace), I just couldn't lift my foot off the gas pedal for about 30-40 seconds or so. When I finally did proceed to go through the light I did so slowly and had to slam on my brakes. A HUGE CONSTRUCTION DUMP TRUCK WENT FLYING THROUGH THE RED LIGHT. HAD I BEEN 1 SECOND EARLIER HE WOULD HAVE HIT AND PROBABLY KILLED ME. He was going so fast, the truck would have pushed my car a pretty far distance. This man didn't even stop or anything. He went straight through like the light was green. I mean dude was flying!!!

Needless to say, I was very shaken. I had to pull over. I cried and thanked God for I don't know how long. The woman that was behind me at the light pulled up beside me while I was pulled over and asked if I was ok. She said, "Honey I'm thanking God right now that you hesitated to go through that light because that truck would have killed you!". I responded, "If you're thanking God, what do you think I'm doing in here?!"

I was trying so hard to get myself together because I was no where near my school and I still had to get to class. (It was the 1st day of classes) All I kept thinking was if it was 1 second sooner this morning may have been the last time I kissed my children. And how I had just spoke to my husband and hung up without saying "Love you". We usually always tell each other "I love you". I was thinking that the kids could've been in the car with me and then what? I was losing it fast because of all the 'what ifs'. So I said a prayer thanked God again and got myself together so I could get to class. I was shaken up all day though. I'm terrified to go out into an intersection. I'm so afraid someone is gonna run a red light.

When I finally got to my children, I hugged them so tight they probably thought I had lost my mind. But I didn't care I love my babies and tell them that all the time. Today, I was glad of that. We always tell each other 'love you' regularly. When I got home I broke down again in my husband's arms. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's my air. I need him as much as he needs me. That's why God put us together. I wish he didn't have to work tonight, I'd hold him all night.

Please learn a few things from my experience. #1 Drive carefully and look before you leap out into traffic. #2 You never know when your time will come so let everyone know how much you love them while you still have the time. #3 Think of this story before you run a red or yellow traffic light.

May God ever bless you and yours....

The Weight Issue...Part 3

2007-08-23T23:43:00.000-04:00

I have made progress!

I can fit into my favorite pair of jean Capri's!! (Without any artificial help.) Now to be honest, I did have some belly spill over the top of the pants BUT the point is that I got them on and CLOSED!!! I covered up the extra fat with black layered tops. (Thank you style channel)

No, I don't have Weight Watchers to thank for this small miracle but I can thank myself. I have been eating a more Mediterranean style diet and walking (when I can). I've even been doing small things like taking the stairs when I can (going down of course because of my knees but still...give me some credit).

I must say I am proud of myself. Regular pants, here I come! Now to celebrate, a little cheese cake with my Merlot.

Yummmy....success is delicious!

I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-08-23T20:28:00.000-04:00

All praises be to the King of Kings and the Lord our God, He is wonderful....

As you can tell, I'm extremely happy and thankful. Why? Because I passed my dosage re-entrance exam for Nursing School. (If I didn't pass, I'd be sitting out for 1 whole year!!) But, I don't have to worry about re-taking it because I passed. In fact, all of the ladies I study with passed as well!! We are so good. We studied so hard and long. We lost countless nights of sleep and it paid off in the end. Ok, let me stop lying. We did have a few study groups but I don't think anyone lost any sleep over it. At least I hope not...

I'm so happy and thankful I don't know what to do. Ummm....take that back, I do know what to do...break out the Merlot!!!!!

Cheers!!!

Rice Cereal Will Make Them Sleep

2007-08-20T23:03:00.000-04:00

Although there was some spitting, the cereal incident was unsuccessful.

Any Mom knows that if you want to get some sleep at night, you put a little rice cereal in your baby's bottle so he/she will sleep longer between feedings. I've been doing this recently with my son. It works pretty well. It buys me a few more precious hours of MUCH NEEDED SLEEP.

Baby's usually start eating rice cereal around 4 months. DJ is 3 1/2 months so I figured I'd try it out. Hey, he has it in his bottle, so why wouldn't he like it in a bowl? Duane set up the video camera and I got everything ready. I sat DJ down on my lap. Duane did little voice over intro for the camera, then, ACTION. I fed DJ a little bit of cereal. He ate a little then frowned up his face and spit it out. I made it a little thinner and the same thing happened. Darn! I was hoping to be able to feed him some cereal for dinner, then he wouldn't need a bottle during the night. Oh well, we'll try again in a few weeks. This time with some fruit!!!

I'll let you know how it goes...

Need to Fix the Lock on the Bedroom Door

2007-08-20T22:34:00.000-04:00

My worst fear is (or should I say was) to have my daughter walk in on Duane and I...uumm...well...you know. Well, it happened the other day.

The 2 of us try to steal time together whenever we can since our schedules are so crazy. This particular day, DJ was asleep in his crib (in his room) and Nyani was in her room on her computer. Normally when she's on her computer she's there for hours and we have to make her get up. But, not that day.

Our bedroom door doesn't lock but we closed it for some privacy. (I did have the monitor on so I could hear my son) A little while later, let's just say...I was at the mountain top...when the door opens and in comes Nyani asking "Whatcha doing?" We had blankets on (Thank God) to cover us up and it wasn't obvious what we were doing. However, I couldn't speak. All I could do was turn my head the other way and try to contain my noises. Well, I didn't do a good job because Nyani started to look concerned and said "Daddy stop hurting Mommy". I couldn't do anything. I was still coming down from heaven. Duane was smart enough to send her to 'check on DJ' and told her that I was fine.

After she left, I was back to normal and had to quickly get it together because I knew she was going to come straight back to check on me. I jumped up, ok, wobbled up to the bathroom and got myself together. She busts in asking if I was ok. I explained to her that I was fine and that Daddy wasn't hurting me, we were just playing a game. She seemed satisfied with that and let the issue go.

I was so glad. I felt like such a bad mother. But what could I have done? I have always been afraid of that happening. I thought it would scar her for life. Although we may not want to relive that moment, who hasn't walked in or heard their parents? My girlfriend's son walked in on her and her husband and he didn't speak for days!

I hope I am not the only Mom out there with a horror story like this. I've learned my lesson though,

Disney Computer CD ROM......$25
Graco baby monitor......$90
A working lock on your bedroom door........Priceless

The Weight Issue...Part 2

2007-08-17T20:16:00.001-04:00

Well...What had happened was...I didn't start Weight Watchers as I thought I would. But you aren't surprised, are you? I have been doing well though. I get up and walk whenever I can for about a 1/2 hour. I've also been eating a more Mediterranean diet, more fruits and veggies, less meat and carbs. I'm very proud of myself. Can I get a little applause? Thank you. I think I can keep it up when school starts too. I'm pretty motivated. I feel really good. I guess, I dare say healthy.

I gotta get rid of this stomach, though. My mother had 3 C-Sections so I asked her about my problem. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Ma, my stomach is still numb. Is that normal?"
Mom: "Oh yeah! That won't go away for about a year or so."
Me: "WHAT? Are you kidding?! What about the pouch of fat? I can't seem to get rid of it."
Mom: "That never really goes away. That's why my stomach looks like this. You're really gonna have to work on it."
Me: (Now I'm gonna end up looking like my mother. Great. I hate my husband.) "Gee, thanks Ma, I feel a lot better now."

I am determined to get my stomach back. It wasn't a washboard or anything like that but it was flatter than this. I'm gonna get back to my regular pants if I have to break out the butter and cling wrap. 140 here I come...Must...stay...away...from...Rita's...

Standing On My Last Nerve

2007-08-17T19:50:00.000-04:00

Before I begin, let me just say that I love my children dearly and I would never do anything to hurt them. However, every Mom has had that moment when that last nerve was unraveling...

With my new job, I am able to spend more time with my wonderful children, Nyani and DJ. This is actually another reason I really wanted to take this job. I only work 3 days a week. With my previous job, they were always with their grandparents (who I appreciate more than a platinum mine) and I felt like a neglectful Mother. But with a traditional full time job and a being a PT student, what could I do? Needless to say I was ecstatic about spending this week with my kiddies since summer is ending and the 1st day of school is rapidly approaching.

I planned to play in the pool with them and just do all the fun things we usually don't have time to do. Duane and I even took Nyani to Dutch Wonderland in Lancaster, PA. (Great place for elementary aged children. Lots of appropriate rides for them and a water park. All for ~$30 per person! I highly recommend it.)

You know how 'they' say you can have too much of a good thing. Well...'they' were absolutely right. Today, those 2 worked my last nerve. My son, wouldn't let me put him down for anything. Normally, he sits in his bouncer or swing. Or he will even lay on the couch or bed and amuse himself...but not today. All he did was cry and scream. Oh yeah, he learned a new trick too...PULLING MY HAIR! My daughter went to pre-school this morning. I picked her up and the nuisance began. It seemed like she borrowed the "How Can I Piss Mommy Off" book from the library and memorized every last page. By 5pm I wanted to sit them both on the curb with a bag and sign that read "Free".

Needless to say, both of them are going to bed early tonight. In fact, it's bed time now...I can almost hear the peace and quiet.

Moving On...

2007-08-10T14:18:00.001-04:00

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

I've heard this many times. Obviously I understand what it means but I never really felt that it was true...until today. It's is my last day at my present job (sorry I'm not going to say the company name because I'm about to put them on BLAST!!!)

I've worked as a consultant/project manager/accountant/travel planner/ for this company for 3 years. I'm so glad to be out I can't begin to explain. This company, despite it's name, is not the least bit innovative. The company doesn't care about it's employees and the Executive VP has no cojones so he allows the US office to be micro-managed from 1/2 way around the world! The company made some bad decisions and I think it's days are numbered. But it matters not because I'M GONE!!!! Praise Jehovah!!!

Ok so where am I going and what is the point of this blog? Well...as you know (if you read about me) I am a nursing student. I have been trying for the past year to get a job in healthcare and I finally did. I am a CNA for an assisted living facility. I'll be caring for developmentally disabled people (adults and children). I am really excited about it. The only downside is the pay. It's a lot less than what I am used to so I wasn't gonna take the position. But my husband is totally behind me and told me to go for it. It's only temporary until the summer, then I can get an externship working at a hospital (prayerfully).

So, I really do feel like this is the 1st day of the rest of my life. I actually stepped away from my security blanket and I'm working toward my goals. The best part about it is that my hubby is right here beside me (like always).

Ladies, I hope you are all living your dreams. Don't let anything stop you. Money, negativity from family/friends, nothing. Do what you gotta do to make yourself happy. You deserve it! Now, I'm not saying forget about your family. We still have to take care of home so make it work. But make it work to your advantage.

Life's too short for regrets. Live like you want....Peace and Blessings

The Housekeeper...Uh...Not Really

2007-08-08T13:48:00.001-04:00

All summer I've been getting home at 7pm or later. I usually have to pick up my son and daughter and care for them once I get home since my hubby works. Ok so what's the big deal? Well...my house looks an absolute mess. Where should I start? Lets see...you walk in and see an overflowing toy box in the living room with 2 car seats and DVDs spread all over the entertainment center. The dining room is ok but Fishy's bowl....let's just say Fishy is a solider! Next stop, the kitchen. Dishes in the sink and the dishwasher, floors are filthy and mail all over the breakfast bar. Moving into the den...ok...let's not. Upstairs...well...to summarize lots of clothes and lots of toys everywhere.

Every evening when I get home my intention is to clean a room. And sometimes I do (really, I do) but it just gets dirty again. Then, there are the more frequent evenings that I come home, make bottles, fix dinner for everyone, feed everyone (except myself...Mom's don't have time to eat), get everyone bathed and ready for bed, make baby bags and back packs for the next day, fix my lunch for the next day, get myself ready for bed, wash or dry a load of clothes or 2 and then...go to sleep around 12a or 1a.

I know what you're thinking, ok lady clean on the weekends like regular people. Well, my weekends have been spent running from parties, cook outs and whatever else. So, imagine what my house looks like. Ever seen Clean House on the Style channel? Ok, it's not that bad but it's messy.

I have tried to do what I can and my husband tries (but you know you can only expect so much from men). I even have a baby carrier to put on so I can carry DJ and have my hands free to clean. So my intentions are good but that's all they have been...intentions.

Am I the only overworked, underpaid Mom trying to get on a regular cleaning schedule? Share your ideas and techniques...PLEASE!!! OCD's welcomed.

The Weight Issue

2007-08-08T12:18:00.000-04:00

Ok ladies, I recently had a baby. DJ, my pride and joy. So of course I have a few pounds to loose. Ok, reality check...he was born 3 months ago and I have like 40 pounds to lose...but still.

The problem is that unlike with my daughter, I had to have a C-section and I can't seem to loose the weight around my tummy. No matter what I do it's STILL THERE. After 3 months I still can't fit into my regular pants. I'm still wearing some maternity pants...sad but true.

My girlfriends and I have convinced ourselves that we were gonna start Weight Watchers. Yeah, you know how that went. For the past 2 weeks we were SUPPOSED to be counting points. The only thing I've been counting are the number of sprinkles on my Rita's vanilla custard (yeah...it's a problem). Hopefully, we will start next week. Check back for that blog. It should start something like "We were supposed to start Weight Watchers this week but what had happened was..."

I will get motivated...tomorrow though. It's hot today. Rita's here I come!!

The Hubby Blues

2007-08-08T12:03:00.001-04:00

Men, you can't live with or without them, you can't kill'em...

Now don't get me wrong ladies I love my hubby, but as you know too much of a good thing is sickening.

This weekend, my hubby was off Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday. I was ecstatic since this doesn't happen very often. He has 2 jobs and our schedules rarely cross. However, by Sunday, he had managed to stand on my last nerve and I was ready for him to be gone...poof...away. I was sooooooooooooooooo glad he and a few friends went to the movies I could have danced a jig. Actually...I think I did.

Now it's Wednesday. I haven't seen him since Monday and I miss him. Odd isn't it? It's like a yo-yo. Come here honey...no, go away...come back I miss you...oops sorry, no I don't...yes I do...

This cycle happens so frequently you'd think I'd be able to handle it, but no. I've got the hubby blues. Anyone else got'em?