Ouch!!

New Year's Eve, my aunt had a party at her home. All were invited: young and old, families and singles. It was really a great time. Duane had to work but I went and took the kids. I figured DJ could sleep upstairs in his 'pack-n-play' (Thanks Graco) and Nyani could play with the other little kids until she crashed. Well, once we arrived, Nyani stuck to my leg like plastic on a summer day. She knew everyone there but was being very anti-social. I tried to encourage her to go with the other kids but she wouldn't budge. Even her cousins tried to get her to come and play but to no avail. Finally, I had to force her to stop following me so I could put DJ to sleep before midnight. She left for a minute...or so I thought. As I sat on the couch to rock my baby to sleep I heard her behind me saying, "You always love DJ" in the saddest voice I've ever heard. My heart dropped and tears came to my eyes. I looked at my sister who heard it as well. She looked at me like, "You need to handle that". So I took her to the side and told her that yes, I do love DJ but that I also love her. I explained that DJ is a baby and not a big kid like her so sometimes it may seem like he gets a lot of attention because he needs a lot of help. I also reminded her that she's my little sweet pea and I will always love her. I also reminded her that if she feels like she wants to spend time with mommy, to just tell me. (She's gotten pretty good with this. It usually results in a girls day with a movie, lunch and manicures. She loves it! We always have a ball.) I gave her a kiss and a hug and she seemed satisfied with that.

I hope she doesn't really feel like I love DJ more than her. I do love my little boy and we do have a special bond but doesn't every mom feel that way about her baby boy? Now I am constantly questioning my actions to ensure each child gets equal treatment. I hope I have not scared her for life or worse doomed her to adult therapy sessions. I can see Nyani now stretched out on a chaise lounge, crying her eyes out to some woman with a bun and glasses, telling her how her mom didn't love her. It also makes me think that DJ will end up as one of those 'mama's boys' you hear about on Jerry Springer or some other ridiculous talk show. Am I smothering him? How will I know before it's too late?

This is one of those times I wish children came with instruction manuals. We all know parenting is hard. I just pray I'm doing ok.